Teleportation, the instantaneous transportation of an object
from place to place, has long been a dream of scientists. We’re all familiar
with the concept as depicted on Star Trek
and now, thanks to brilliant work by British boffins, this dream is a little
closer to realisation.
Dr. Tim Spong (no relation) of Tadcaster University this month announced the results of work conducted by his team of physicists and brainy geeks. The breakthrough came, oddly enough, from the field of human physiology: specifically, the study of muscle spasms. Dr. S had been investigating the otherwise harmless twitches and involuntary spasms that can affect us now and then – be it a twitch of a finger, a facial muscle or even an entire limb.
Normally medical students earn some extra cash by volunteering as test subjects for such projects, and this case was no different. However one particular student, known only as QZ, turned out to have an extremely rare form of twitch – in fact he’s the only one discovered with it so far. It’s called a Whole-Body Twitch (WBT or Quentin Zeeman’s Syndrome, after its one and only sufferer) and it manifests itself as a sudden rapid bodily displacement from one place to another. In QZ’s case he suddenly vanishes and instantly reappears several feet away, even if a physical barrier is placed in his way!
Dr. S. has been given a large government grant to get to the bottom of this amazing condition in the hope that it can be harnessed to provide us all with a speedy mode of transport. I await further developments.
Ever come home late one night only to discover you’ve forgotten your keys? Yes, I know I have, and so I welcome the latest household invention now on the market. It’s called a Manflap and it’s based on the familiar cat flap device many pet owners have installed in their doors. No longer need you wake the family by yelling up at the window: the Manflap is designed to be just the right size for a human to crawl through. Sales are rocketing and I’d advise you to rush out and get one now while stocks last.
I saw a sad sight on Princes Street back in May. A rather dour looking chap was standing outside Burger King holding a sign which read, ‘Please give generously – I’ve only got one leg.’ I did a quick double-take and then approached him because there was something amiss. I pointed downwards and said, ‘What are you on about, sir? Look, you’ve got TWO legs,’ and I counted them, ‘One, two.’ He gasped and followed my gaze. ‘Oh no!’ he cried. ‘I’m doubly afflicted! I’ve got TWO one legs!’ and he burst into tears. I relented and gave him £10, for I now understood his plight. I mean, you have to give something back now and then, haven’t you?
Bye for now
