The Whatsname Universal Oracle

Leith History

LEITH HAS, historically, a whole lot of history going on, or it used to, and in fact it still does. If you'll let me finish I shall recount to you some interesting tales and anecdotes from times past. Here's something from the pages of local history. It is 100% true.*

IT WAS TRADITIONAL in 18th century Edinburgh for local people to celebrate the Bogling of the Lummockshreve’s DungBucket. This quaint and largely forgotten custom heralded the arrival of summer.

A local thief or convict would be chosen to play the Lummockshreve, or King of the Faerie Folk. On the slopes of King Arthur’s Seat a crowd of eager locals would gather around the Lummockshreve. The ceremony would begin with the Lummockshreve singing his Bogling song, to summon the spirits of fertility and luck.  

Wielding his Lummock stick and wearing the traditional Lummock Shirt, made entirely of roast beef, the Lummockshreve would then be chased up hill by four women, or Shecht Wyfies, each representing one of the seasons, with their pet skunks, or Chunderpigs. Once the Lummockshreve had been caught, the Bogling of his Dungbucket would commence. 

The Dungbucket, usually a flagon of Captain Brayne’s Fylthie Ale would be poured over the Lummock Shirt and then the Chunderpigs would quickly consume the roast beef. This would be followed by the Lummockshreve being carried aloft back down the hillside to be ceremonially battered senseless by local dignitaries prior to being banged up in jail again.

* In the strictly legal sense, i.e. untrue.

Canon Whatsname's Scrap Book

HERE IS SOMETHING that has been puzzling me, and I don't mean this credit crunch thingy that's sweeping all the nations of the planet.It is this: listen up and listen good: what is the collective name for hermits, and when would the opportunity arrive to ever use it?

By definition hermits keep to themselves and live in caves on their own, probably, so you'd never get a group of them coming together. If you did you'd have a community of hermits which would then disqualify each member from being defined as a hermit. It is similar to the concept of imagining a universe in which only one object exists, a solitary atom, say.

If you're imagining this in your head then you are placing yourself in this otherwise empty universe as a hypothetical observer, so therefore there are two objects - the atom and this fictional observer, you. So the only way to really conceptualize a universe of only one atom is to not conceptualize it at all, because as soon as you do it becomes something else.

These are the important matters we should all be addressing. Do I make myself clear?

I have encapsulated the essence of this tricky conundrum in the following non-award winning graphic representation. Ingest it with your eye-type objects.

 

"The quickness of the hand deceives the eye." Or, to put it another way, "the slowness of the eye makes the hand look like a sneaky bastard."

Like Uri Geller, Colin Fry and other psychics, I can hear people's thoughts. I recently told this to some friends and they naturally asked me to tell them what they were thinking. Exasperated, I said, 'I don't know! I'm not a bloody mind-reader!' Go figure, yeah? Just do the math, biatch.

I have NO time for many things. Like, for instance, impatience. I have absolutely NO TIME for impatience - NONE at all. In fact the Universe OWES ME time - that's how little time I have for it. I DEMAND NOW that I be recompensed temporally by whatever deity or mechanism is up there running the show. GIVE ME MY TIME BACK!

Social Issues

How do we, as a nation, solve the problem of begging and homelessness? We can't rely on our government to supply anything but the most superficial of remedies so there has to be another way - and there is: everybody who walks past a homeless person or beggar gives them money.

That's it.

I suspect I may need to elaborate on this deceptively simple social policy, so I'll try to.

A day of Infinite Sadness

Friends, today is a sad day.

A day of grieving and loss.

A day of mourning - for lo! a bright star has faded from the night sky.

American 'terrorism' and the pathetic apologists

I hope you're not expecting a rational, measured and calm dissection of today's news events, because that won't happen. 

Review

HELLO AGAIN. I'm back after a week or so, having been unable or unwilling to post anything.

Non-rant

OH GOD NO... NO! NO!! Cabinet minister Hazel Blears is to run for the post of Deputy Leader of 'New' Labour.

Blogger Jailed

According to the BBC, an Egyptian blogging gentleman has been jailed for 'insulting Islam and the President'. (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6385849.stm)

Whatsname Returns

Testing, testing, ONE TWO, ONE TWO. Is this thing on?

Thanks to my old mate Anton DeMille for doing the biz while I was away getting a stylish cosmetic lobotomy. I was feeling behind the times, not 'street' or down with the kidz, innit? But now I'm in the zone... to the max.

My booze hell

I was a bit unsure as to what topic to choose for today, but I’m satisfied now.

‘What’s on the menu today, Kaplan?’ I pretend to hear you say. I’m glad I pretended you asked me that. You know, a lot of people have asked me that today* and I think it’s vitally important that their question should be answered. But it would be wrong of me to simply launch into today’s piece without first laying some groundwork.