Whatsname's
Words of Wisdom
It's
always 'Oh you see so-and-so, well the booze, that's his Achilles' heel.' Or
'See her? Her Achilles' heel is shopping. She cannae stoap buying stuff.'
Marvellous, isn't it, how he's always there, this Achilles, whenever our
foibles or weaknesses are paraded; always lurking in the background, tarnishing
by association yet remaining untarnished himself. What's so special about
lah-de-dah oh-so-perfect Mr. Achilles? Did he have servants throw petals for
him to walk on, so that his alabaster feet wouldn't get soiled by the nasty
world? What was his Achilles' heel? Maybe he had more than one.
Chuck
Norris Trivia:
Ask not if Chuck Norris believes in God: ask, rather, does God believe in Chuck
Norris.
Are
you a fan of Grand Theft Auto or Zombie Murder Freak Squad 2? Do
you sit for hours in front of your PC or Playerstation or Zbox, lost in a cyber
world of monsters, guns, and monsters with guns? If you do you'll be all too
aware of annoyances like the irritating necessity to answer the call of nature,
which can waste valuable gaming time. But now from Macrosoft comes the
new Extreme Gamer Activity Trousers: an essential, self-contained
space-age storage system that acts like a giant eco-friendly nappy that, once
worn, takes care of all those tedious chores that can distract the serious
gamer from advancing to the next level. In the morning just slip into the
stylish Extreme Gamer Activity Trousers, sit down in front of the screen
and then you're ready for a whole day of uninterrupted gaming action. Extreme
Gamer Activity Trousers are a unisex item of clothing because Macrosoft
recognize that, in these days of gender equality, geeks and nerds aren't just
male. Extreme Gamer Activity Trousers - because you're worth it. In
shops now.
Here's
a great new game anyone can play: the next time you have to travel by bus, try
following this simple rule: as soon as some other passenger starts talking on
their mobile phone, you have to leave the bus and get another one. You can have
literally HOURS of fun trying to get from the west end of Princes Street to the
east end, because, in the same way that every song by '80s group Madness has a
saxophone solo, there will ALWAYS be at least one person mindlessly mumbling
into their mobile at some point of every conceivable journey. My first attempt
at this exciting new pastime lasted only zero seconds: as I stepped onto the
bus, the driver was talking on his phone and the passenger in front of me was
talking on his, even as he was paying his fare. The casual indifference
both parties showed to each other, and the lack of manners and civility, made
me turn around and leave the bus immediately, a savage and manly anger chewing
at my juicy brain. My current record for staying on is a mammoth two minutes,
as inevitably someone felt the overpowering need to telephone his friend and
say, 'I'm on the bus. See you in ten minutes.'
I'm
a big fan of the Edinburgh Evening News and the free newspaper Metro.
I think they're very good. I always have some copies lying around, mostly in
the smallest room. When one runs out of normal lavatory tissues there's no
better substitute than these two suited-for- purpose publications. Cynical
critics may say that there's enough shite on their pages already but I fiercely
challenge that unfair and untrue assertion. We should be proud of these great
British institutions because are we not British? Do we as a people not
stand for peace, truth, honesty and compassion? Are we not a nation chosen by
God to bring the world to rights? Yes, we are. God bless Great Britain. No
longer does the USA enjoy privileged status with the Almighty, because they
have shown themselves weak in the War of Terror. We shall prevail and, unlike
the yanks, we shall be tough on
terrorism.
Until we meet again ladies, farewell.
