AS I'VE SAID BEFORE (B4) Leith Walk is undergoing major roadworks because of the universally popular tram work programme. The scene shown in the photo is near my residence, Kaplan Towers, and two mornings ago I was greatly inconvenienced on my way to the office, Kaplan House.
You see the cheeky workmen had left a large hole blocking the path and so it looked as though I would have no choice but to walk on the busy road and risk getting my expensive clothes soiled with common Leith dirt. Well, of course I was having none of that and, lo and behold, at that moment a skinhead BNP member walked by.
I reasoned he was a stupid Nazi bastard from the subtle clues on his person: a swastika tattooed on his bald head with the words 'I like Hitlar' and, more tellingly, his look of vegetable-like sentience.
'That'll do!' I said cheerily to myself as I stood pondering the obstruction, and I grabbed the slapheaded Hitler-lover and pushed him into the hole. He mumbled 'Hey!' weakly after a lengthy delayed reaction, then flopped onto the rubble and earth, still with a vacant look on his 'face'.
I promptly used him as a stepping stone by standing on his head and lightly hopping across the hole. I looked back briefly to see if he knew what the hell had just happened to him and I burst out laughing; as he was heaving himself out of his temporary confinement an Alsatian dog pished on his shiny chrome-domed head! He swore then fell back in again. Priceless real-life comedy!
My size ten Armani shoe must have given him concussion when I playfully stepped on his cranium because he was still there in the evening - he thought he was in the trenches in the Second World War fighting the Allies, and he was harassing passers-by to bring him some ammunition. There's no need to worry about the poor unfortunate idiot's well-being, however - an insane and sexually frustrated homosexual baboon from a nearby pet superstore escaped later that evening and ate him... er, eventually.
But the fun wasn't over yet! According to highly amused witnesses, another Nazi soon appeared, looking for his mate, mistook the baboon for Nick Griffin, their overweight leader, tried to kiss his butt in a sickening show of authority worshipping, and got eaten himself - eventually. So much for the Pride of British Manhood. How sad.
By the way, the baboon is doing fine, after an appointment with a stomach pump, and he's no longer sexually frustrated. As for the friends and families of the poor Nazis, sod the lot of them.
I must go now, to laugh uproariously.
Nice one. Respect is due to the baboon.
Posted by: spiggot | Wednesday, November 19, 2008 at 12:39
Dear Mr Whatsname,
I live on the Sun, although I'm not sure why.Local legend has it that sunlings have been amongst the most successfull celebrities on Earth. Names which should leap ferociously to your mind are Louis Pasteur, Hoagy Carmichael, Alison Moyet, Rin Tin Tin, Chiswell Dabney Langhorne and the Poddington Peas. Can you confirm this or am I an idiot?
Could you also be kind enough to tell your users about the great reductions off skiing holidays on the sun until March 2010 last year. Write to 13, Sun, SU0 1SS within the next nano-second for a free gift worth money.
Yours accordingly,
Judy Clockwork-Bennett-Hayes MD
Posted by: Pete | Friday, February 27, 2009 at 00:06
Yesno, to all queries.
Posted by: whatsname | Sunday, March 01, 2009 at 15:50